Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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