I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
