Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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