I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Randomize
