I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Randomize
