I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
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Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
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