Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
