I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets