My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
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we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
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i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed