How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
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Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
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apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.