she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear