i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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