Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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