if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
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your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
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I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
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