it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
