I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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