Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
