totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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