Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
