i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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