Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
