I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
