he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
