hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
