Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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