Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
