we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I'm at about main and main street
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
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