bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
