Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
