The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Randomize
