did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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