But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
