Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
