At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Your topless pictures make me question reality
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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