I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
