either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
