Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
