dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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