She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
two words: eviction party
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
