I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
