the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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