You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
