omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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