Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
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So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
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We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
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