The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
