no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
