Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
