Old men and throwing up are my life now.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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