there's paper in my vomit.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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