just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
