Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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