I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
