it was like his penis was on wheels.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
