sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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