Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
