You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
