she's into porn, im staying here tonight
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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