Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
