I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
