Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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