I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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