I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
