literally had 100 drinks last night.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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