His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
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