I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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