if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
can u get pink eye on your cock?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You ruined the universe
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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