oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
